Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona , when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.
"What in bag?" asked the old man.
Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
"Good trade

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.
'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse’
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’

 

[Mavericks Choice]

"Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night."
So I went to a shrink and told him: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00..
A bartender cured me for $20.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed Ain't nobody under there now."
It's always better to get a second opinion.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.'
Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
Grady - 'My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties.'
Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
Mary - 'I think beer tastes bitter and I don't like it. Mom likes it, but she gets tired and leans on guys and they have to help her to the bedroom for a quick nap. When they come back, she is all perky and happy, and the guys are all tired out.
Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
Brittney - I don't like beer, but mom says it helps you get the guys you want, so I'll have to learn to like it.
Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
Fergie - My mom never drinks beer when dad is home, but he sometimes does. Then she yells at him when it makes him want to smooch. Mom only drinks beer when dad is away. When it makes her want to smooch, she will do it with everybody, even the Pizza guy, and he is weird.
Alice - My sister told me you have to drink your own weight in beer before you start to like it. She has some ways to go yet, I think. The guys usually ignore her until they have had a whole lot of beer, then they get nice and play with her.
Brad - Beer tastes disgusting. My brother told me it makes you think the girls are pretty. With his girlfriend I would need an awful lot of beer.

 

[losh1971]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley rider for traveling faster than the posted speed limit:
He asks the old biker his name.
“Fred.” He replies.
“Fred what?” The officer asks.
“Just Fred.” The old man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the old biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The old man tells him that he used to have a last name, but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The old biker replies.
“It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, and residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! I got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report
for his missing wife:
Husband :- I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :- What is her height ?
Husband:- I never checked.
Inspector :- Slim or healthy ?.
Husband:- Not slim can be healthy.
Inspector :-Color of eyes ?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Color of hair ?
Husband :- Changes according to season.
Inspector :- What was she wearing?
Husband : Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :- Was she driving?
Husband :- yes.
Inspector :- tell me the number, name & color of the car ? . . . . .
Husband :- black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine
generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic
automatic transmission with manual mode.And it has full LED
headlights,which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and
has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….and then the husband
started crying...
Inspector :- Don't worry sir, we'll find your car...

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director,"she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind tellin...g him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. after a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(wait for it)
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 

[Rocketeer]

A male mosquito says to wife I would fight a lion for you
Wife mosquito, sure go to sleep

Male mosquito I would bite an elephant and bring you his blood
Wife mosquito yea go to sleep

Male mosquito I will drive you around Paris in a Mercedes
Wife mosquito hmmmm go to sleep

Male mosquito I will buy you a gold chain............

Wife mosquito how many times have I told you not to come home after biting a politician!!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV when he suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our wedding video”