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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to...

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person...

ITEM: Twin hump hard cover for a ute (VZ style preferred) LOCATION: NSW (Illawarra) but doesn't really matter CONDITION: Damaged, only want to cut it up. PRICE: Negotiable DELIVERY/PICK UP INFORMATION: Will travel/pay for postage PAYMENT OPTIONS: COD, Direct Deposit, Funds Transfer or Other...

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote...

A bloke walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just...

A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says: "I can tell you how to get to...

Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day. In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The camel's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've...

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my...

A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?" "Yes we do," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes it does," he answered. She said, "Can you get it over the counter?" "I can, if I take two," he replied.

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women which should be far less susceptible to theft. They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, calling it the "Clitaurus." The average male thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn the damn thing on.

A woman goes into Rebel Sports to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark sunglasses. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"...

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?' Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'...

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)...

A desperate looking young woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy old bloke wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes and it won't matter to you,....... how about a shag before you go?" She screamed, "NO! Bugger off...

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the...

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Queensland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded...

Gilly91 submitted a new Showcase Item: 1999 Hsv Maloo Read more about this showcase item here...

Gilly91 submitted a new Showcase Item: 1996 Holden Vs ute - s2 Read more about this showcase item here...

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it...

Thought I'd put my recently purchased Maloo up here for you guys to see. I bought it from Adelaide and drove it back home to NSW because it was a bargain! Fell in love with it on the way home too! My first car which I still have is a V6 VS ute and I have loved it from the word go, but it was...

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.” “But grandpa, I really don’t like guns... How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?” “You lissina me...

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a drop dead gorgeous nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident. She looked at me...

Hi, Mods please move/remove if this is inappropriate, but I have been looking at a car in Adelaide as unfortunately the only people who sell good cars live in VIC or SA, and I live in NSW. I know there are vehicle inspection companies but I just want to know if there are any genuine locals...

Hi, I'm looking at buying a donor car which is a VX SS that has been written off due to having a front on accident. I am using the LS1 and 6 speed out of it for a project car. Don't have any experience with VX Commodores or airbags but the accident set the airbags off and apparently the car...

I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy." I replied "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said "Yes." I replied, "Well you better get back to it before the farmer...

A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute," she says. The...

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way'...

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and 'in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning...

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take...

Hi, I was struggling to change gears recently and I discovered the clutch fluid was empty so I filled it, tried to get as many air bubbles out of it without bleeding it, and then it drove normally. It was fine for a few weeks, then I drove it again and one day and it had gone from working...

Hi guys, I've found a small typo on the site, it's really just nit-picking but I thought I'd let you know. In what I guess you'd call the "thread comment", under the link to the Holden Commodore How-To's thread on the forum page, it says something like "Look inside if your keen." I believe...

Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?" Bride says "Well . . . . .I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse!!!" Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun...

Hi, I've got a VS ute with splits in the doors and a sub in the cavity next to the fuel tank. I have a 4 channel amp running the splits on channel 1 and 2, and bridged for the sub on channels 3 and 4. The splits are good quality Fusion splits I'm pretty sure (can't remember the name but...

Since I've owned my V6 VS commodore it has not liked being driven hard at all. This isnt much of a problem because I drive it like a grandma in order to preserve tyres etc. However, it has an annoying problem that occurs when accelerating; it almost feels like what happens when you hit the power...

Hi, I am trying to install a set of splits in my VS ute and wanted to put the tweeters in the stock location. I tried and tried but could not work out how to remove the plastic covers on the dash where the air con comes out on to the windscreen. I removed the side panel of the dash (also...

Hi, My VS had the air intake wires taped up with electrical tape. Im guessing this is from the previous owner because it looked different to the tape around the rest of the wires in the engine bay. I took the suspicious tape off and found the air flow sensor wire and the wire that goes to the...

I am thinking of upgrading my pretty average sound system in my VS ute. Currently has an old JVC head unit, 6" JVC splits and a sub next to the fuel tank which had its wire cut by the previous owner, im assuming when he/she removed the amp. What amp would i need run all the speakers? Im not...

I currently have 17" wheels with 235/45R17 tyres on my ute and was thinking about a bigger set of wheels. How much effort is it to do this and how big can I go before major modifications have to be made? I'm looking at a set of 19" wheels with 245/35R19 tyres. Thanks